AFC people who like order and hate surprises.

 

NFC people who love chaos and unpredictability.

 

Don't believe me? Let's look at both conferences after just 2 of the season's 16 weeks:

 

AFC: It's over. Here are your playoff teams: New England, East Rutherford, Baltimore, Houston, San Diego and Pittsburgh.  Come on, it's over. At best I'll give you three teams that have slight chances to creep in as wild card teams: Buffalo, Oakland and Tennessee. The rest of the conference is crap.

 

NFC: Who knows? Just three teams look like playoff locks: Green Bay, New Orleans and Philadelphia. The next three in talent appear to be Chicago, Atlanta and Detroit. But Tampa, Dallas and Washington are right there, while the Giants might find a way. But this is what really causes the chaos -- Somebody from the pukey West has to be allowed in, so St. Louis or Arizona get a free pass.

 

And if Seattle gets in, the NFL will self-destruct.

 

Last Week: Speaking of self-destruction, I was 10-6 straight-up (20-12 for season) for the second week, which drops me way behind so many of you who have really brought your A game. As for against the spread, it doesn't matter (3-11-2 and for season, 10-19-3) so let's just move on. Note: I promised myself I'd be really cautious but I'm still picking five upsets. I am a fool.

 

New England (2-0) at Buffalo (2-0) -- Patriots favored by 8 -- Who saw this as the Game of the Week? Don't you love the Bills? QB Ryan Fitzpatrick is a 7th-round pick from Harvard; WR David Nelson was undrafted; TE Scott Chandler is a real waiver wire pickup; WR Steve Johnson is a 7th-rounder; and RB Fred Jackson was undrafted. Come on. -- However, the Patsies have won 15 in a row against Bills.

    Jerry says: Evil Patsies but just by 5.

 

Jacksonville (1-1) at Carolina (0-2) -- Panthers favored by 3.5 -- Trap game! Everyone is anticipating Cam Newton actually winning a game while passing for a gazillion yards. As for the Gags, QB Luke McCown has a passing rating of 11.5 at halftime last week -- and then things got bad. But the Gags have their own rookie QB now in Blaine Gabbert and the slightly better defense.

    Jerry says: In a Not-Yet-Cam Upset Special, Gags by 3.

 

San Francisco (1-1) at Cincinnati (1-1) -- Bungles favored by 2.5 -- Nobody cares but this could be a trap, too, because Bungle Coach Marvin Lewis is 2-12 since 2007 on those rare dates when his team is favored. But we are now pushing offensive coordinator Jay Gruden to be next year's head coach.

    Jerry says: Jay's Bungles by 7.

 

Miami (0-2) at Cleveland (1-1) -- Brownies favored by 2.5 -- Gangreene Game of the Week. Count on one thing -- the "Under." This was Fish Coach Tony Sparano's deep evaluation of his team's loss last week: "It's baffling to me. It really is. I don't have any answers for it." -- And how much do they pay you, Tony? But, still, the Brownies as favorites against anybody?

    Jerry says: In a I-hate-myself Upset Special, Fish by 1.

 

Detroit (2-0) at Minnesota (0-2) -- Lions favored by 3.5 -- The Lions are a road favorite? I told you there was nothing but chaos in the NFC. In case you're wondering, the Lions have not had a 3-0 start since 1980 and have not won in Minneapolis since 1997. Here's another factoid: Lion QB Matthew Stafford is only starting QB who has not been sacked yet. (How's that for a jinx?)

    Jerry says: Lions by 14.

 

Houston (2-0) at New Orleans (1-1) -- Saints favored by 4 -- What you may not understand is that defense is the key here with a showdown between Wade Phillips and Gregg Williams. And what you may not know is that the Saints are notoriously bad favorites. Trust me on this.

    Jerry says: Saints but just by 1.

 

East Rutherford Giants (1-1) at Philadelphia (1-1) -- Eagles favored by 7.5 -- Wow, look at all the flopping! Must be a big tuna catch. No, sorry, it's just the Giants warming up. -- BTW, if Mike Vick doesn't start, the backup QB is a dead German novelist and an Eagle victory will be known as "Kafkaesque."

    Jerry says: Eagles by 11.

 

Denver (1-1) at Tennessee (1-1) -- Titans favored by 6.5 -- Can't stand either team but looking forward to seeing more of that unknown Bronco receiver named Tim Tuba or something like that. Not that he's going to matter because Titan D will shut them down.

    Jerry says: Titans by low-scoring 10.

 

East Rutherford Jets (2-0) at Oakland (1-1) -- Jets favored by 3.5 -- It's the Heidi Game! If that means nothing to you, ask you father. Jets better win 'cause this is start of 3-game road trip that includes Baltimore and New England.  Nobody cares who the Raiders have next.

    Jerry says: Jets by 6.

 

Baltimore (1-1) at St. Louis (0-2) -- Ravens favored by 4 -- Yes, life is unfair but Rams Coach Steve Spagnuolo must have done something awful to deserve this schedule that follows the Ravens with Washington, Green Bay, Dallas and New Orleans. If he gets fired at midseason, it will be a real shame. But no "pity pick" from me because I'm worrying about myself.

    Jerry says: Ravens by 14.

 

Kansas City (0-2) at San Diego (1-1) -- Chargers favored by 14.5 -- Speaking of pity, take the Chiefs. Last year the Chargers lost their opener to the Chiefs and blew the playoffs with a 2-5 start. You would hope they remember that.

    Jerry says: Chargers but just by cautious 12.

 

Green Bay (2-0) at Chicago (1-1) -- Cheeseheads favored by 3.5 -- Still more of the Pity Party with Bears QB Jay Cutler who has been sacked 11 times. Said Cutler after last week's pounding by the Saints: "They forced our offense to do things we didn't want to do. " Yeah, like block. But remember this is the NFC Championship rematch so it will be closer than you expect.

    Jerry says: 'Heads by 5.

 

Arizona (1-1) at Seattle (0-2) -- Cardinals favored by 3.5 -- Here's how the SeaTurkeys' possessions in Pittsburgh ended last week: punt, punt, punt, end of the half, punt, punt, punt, punt, lost on downs, punt. Nice game. Consistent.

    Jerry says: Cards by 8.

 

Atlanta (1-1) at Tampa Bay (1-1) -- Yucs favored by 2 -- How about some old-fashioned gambling trends? The road team has covered in last 5 meetings. And Yucs are a pathetic 3-16-1 against the jelly in last 20 at RayJay. And you saw the Falcons beat the Eagles, so what do you want?

    In a Just-The-Trends Upset Special, Falcons by 5.

 

Pittsburgh (1-1) at Indianapolis (0-2) -- Steelers favored by 10.5 -- Sunday night -- Our friend Cris Collinsworth had the best unintentionally funny line of Week 2 when he said: "Are we ever going to have a game that doesn't end on the last play?" Probably not, Cris, probably not. -- Oh, and the Steelers threw a shutout last week after Warren Sapp said of their D: "Old, slow and over." Nice call.

    Jerry says: Steelers but just by 5 against proud Dolts.

 

Washington (2-0) at Dallas (1-1) -- Cowboys favored by 6.5 -- Monday night -- With Tony Romo's heroics last week, the one guy not mentioned is the other QB, Jon Kitna. Exactly what did they say to him: "Take a seat and rest, old man, 'cause we'd rather go with the guy who has a broken rib sticking through a lung." That's got to hurt, too. My guess is that either QB will have his troubles against upstart Native Americans.

    Jerry says: In a End-the-Week Upset Special, NA's by 1.

 

There you go. Beat me if you can. (And no smart remarks, please.)