When I think of Denver quarterback Kyle Orton (which is not all that often) I think of John Merrick from "The Elephant Man," when he declares: "I am not an elephant! I am not an animal! I am a human being! I am a man!"

 

Orton is a man, too -- just not a quarterback that anyone in Denver wants to watch. They want The-Third-Stringer-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. "I think it's all B.S.," said WR Brandon Lloyd. "Kyle is our starter. He's a human being just like we all are."

 

See, I told you. He's The Bronco Man.

 

Last Week: And I'm just a denizen of Page 2 in our Beat Jerry contest after starting with a 10-6 effort straight up and 7-8-1 against the spread (which doesn't count in the contest, thank the Lord). Like Orton, I'm just a man trying his best -- although I'm picking about five straight-up upsets which is not a smart move. Bold but stupid.

 

Oakland (1-0) at Buffalo (1-0) -- Bills favored by 3 -- How about some love for Bills QB Ryan Fitzpatrick? He got a 48 out of 50 on his Wonderlic, so he's probably the smartest QB starting right now. Even better, they call him The Amish Rifle. Now that's impressive. -- Meanwhile, Raider QB Jason Campbell has practiced all week. Fortunately, nobody has bothered to ask him why.

    Jerry says: Amish Rifle by 7.

 

Cleveland (0-1) at Indianapolis (0-1) -- Browns (!) favored by 2 -- Anybody just coming out of a coma has got to be shocked. How can the Browns be favored over the Colts in Indy? Well, that's what happens when you lose The Franchise. But I must note that I read four Tribune Co. sportswriters actually discussing if the Colts should tank the season after one game has been played in order to draft QB Andrew Luck next year. Can you say "irresponsible?" For that reason alone, I'm pulling for the Colts. Besides, it's Cleveland.

    Jerry says: In an Alternate Universe Upset Special, Colts by 3.

 

Tampa Bay (0-1) at Minnesota (0-1) -- Vikings favored by 3 -- NFL should do a favor for Yuc fans and black out their road games, too. Yucs looked really slow last week but did you see Donovan McNabb? Passing total: 39 yards. Tom Brady clears his throat and gets more than 39 yards. Maybe nobody will win.

    Jerry says: In a Who Cares Upset Special, Yucs by 2.

 

Chicago (1-0) at New Orleans (0-1) -- Saints favored by 7 -- What do the Bears have to do to get any respect? They easily beat Atlanta while Saints give up 42 points in a loss at Green Bay -- but the 'Aints are a TD favorite? Remember how many points the 'Aints gave up to Seattle in their last real game of 2010? That would be 41. Is this a trend?

    Jerry says: Really want to pick Da Bears but taking Saints by just 3.

 

Jacksonville (1-0) at East Rutherford Jets (1-0) -- Jets favored by 9 -- In case you haven't noticed, former Jags QB David Garrard remains out of work. So he's now saying that he's being picky. Yeah, right. -- What? Oh, the game? Get serious.

    Jerry says: Jets but just by 6.

 

Seattle (0-1) at Pittsburgh (0-1) -- Steelers favored by 14 -- Be careful before you start laughing about this one. Yes, the SeaTurkeys lost to the Niners but their defense played well, giving up just 209 yards and one third-down conversion in a dozen tries. Can't pick the upset but that point-spread is really large for Week 2.

    Jerry says: Steelers but just by 10.

 

Baltimore (1-0) at Tennessee (0-1) -- Ravens favored by 5.5 -- OK, now you can laugh: Hah hah hah hah hah etc.

    Jerry says: Ravens by 20.

 

Arizona (1-0) at Washington (1-0) -- Native Americans favored by 3.5 -- Steel cage match between RB's Beanie Wells and Tim Hightower! Both flopped in Arizona but now Wells played, uh, well there while Hightower was hot in Washington's win over the Giants.

    Jerry says: Hightower by 10 (Yes, he kicks a field goal to really hack off Wells.)

 

Dallas (0-1) at San Francisco (1-0) -- Cowboys by 3 -- I know what Marc Daniels is thinking right now: "Trap game!" And he might be right. Of course, Cowboy Emperor Jerry Jones is expecting another great game from QB Tony Romo, so they can't lose this week. Can they?

    Jerry (Greene, not Jones) says: Cowboys by 5 (after Romo gives up a safety in last 2 minutes).

 

Green Bay (1-0) at Carolina (0-1) -- Cheeseheads favored by 9.5 -- In Denver they pine for The-Third-String-QB-That-Must-Not-Be-Named but in Carolina they are rejoicing over Cam Newton. Said WR Steve Smith: "I'm ecstatic! I'm energized!" -- How nice. Except that it all stops Sunday.

    Jerry says: 'Heads by 24.

 

Kansas City (0-1) at Detroit (1-0) -- Lions (!) favored by 7.5 -- Release the balloons! We have our first coach to go Third Person of the season: "You can point the finger right at Todd Haley," said Chiefs Coach Todd Haley. OK, we will. Uh, which finger?

    Jerry says: Lions by a finger-pointing 14.

 

Cincinnati (1-0) at Denver (0-1) -- Broncos favored by 3.5 -- How about a shout out to Bengal offensive coordinator Jay Gruden? Nice start especially with his starting QB getting hurt. Bengals have strange schedule that looks incredibly soft for half the year (San Francisco, Buffalo, Jacksonville, Indy, Seattle and Tennessee). Then it looks incredibly hard (Pittsburgh, Baltimore, uh Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Houston, St. Louis, Arizona and Baltimore). Better get what they get while they can get it. As for Broncos, does anybody really think there can be a happy ending there?

    Jerry says: In a Gloom & Doom Upset Special, Bengals by 1.

 

Houston (1-0) at Miami (0-1) -- Texans favored by 3 -- If you heard the show Wednesday, you heard that Miami WR Brandon Marshall dubbed QB Chad Henne as "the white (Mike) Vick." Unless, of course, he was thinking of some other Vick.  As for the Texans, their kicker Neil Rackers has a double-strap padded chin strap. Never trust a kicker who wears a strap like that.

    Jerry says: After Rackers blows a last-play FG, in a White Vick Upset Special, the Fish by 2.

 

San Diego (1-0) at New England (1-0) -- Patriots favored by 7 -- In case you don't get it, Brady was being funny when he said Patriot fans should get plastered before the game. And the release by the Colts saying he meant they should stay hydrated was funny, too. Lighten up, people. This game, however, should not be funny. It should be good. (Is it too early to say "AFC Conference Championship preview? Yes, it is.)

    Jerry says: Patriots but just by 4.

 

Philadelphia (1-0) at Atlanta (0-1) -- Sunday night -- Eagles favored by 2.5 -- The real Mike Vick (or the real Ron Mexico, remember that?) returns to Hotlanta. Will be fascinating to see how he's greeted. I'm guessing before game starts there will be as many cheers as boos but they won't like watching him beat them if that's how it plays out. Hopefully the game will be as good as the melodrama.

    Jerry says cautiously: Eagles by 6.

 

St. Louis (0-1) at East Rutherford Giants (0-1) -- Monday night -- Giants favored by 6 -- Somebody has got to be working hard to clean that place after the Jets' game unless they figure Giants fans won't noticed if the trash is already there. Speaking of the Giants, safety Antrel Rolle went on the radio to say he couldn't accept losing to Washington last week. "If we played them 100 times, they might win five," he said. Well, they won the last one, Antrel, and what will you say if you lose to the Lambs?

    Jerry says: In an Antrel Rolle Upset Special, Lambs by 3.

 

There you go. No Thursday game so you are not rushed to make your picks -- but don't forget! And have a great week.